Dear Ms. Cards Etiquette,

It is just a week now and I have been trying to find the right words to express my sincerest wishes and thought of sending a token care package. Is this a sensitive thing to do or is it too late to do so?
Trying to find the right words…

First of all, you appear to be a sensitive person and your concerns are heartfelt. It is sometimes difficult to determine what is appropriate in times like these, especially when you did not personally know the deceased.

I’m certain your friend and his or her family will appreciate your concerns. It would be appropriate to send sympathy cards at times like these. Although it is best to act quickly, it is not too late to send a thoughtful card. You are expressing condolences to the family members who will appreciate your kind thoughts.

Add a short, simple note to your sympathy card such as “my thoughts are with you in your time of grief” or “deepest sympathies”. Sign your name and add that you are a friend of (friend’s name). Be sure and include your return address on the envelope. This kind gesture of support should be enough for the extended family but do continue to help your friend through the grieving process by being understanding and allowing them time to heal.

Dear Ms. Cards Etiquette,
My aunt said we should send out cards announcing of my father’s passing. I’ve never heard of doing this. Can you shed some light on this?
Sylvia S.

Well, Sylvia, while they are not often used, a death announcement can be a way to announce the death of a business colleague or someone who is distantly related to the deceased.

Typically, for close relatives and friends, funeral announcements are word of mouth, or in small towns are printed in the local newspaper the same day. For distant relatives or business colleagues outside of the inner circle of close friends and family who would not attend the funeral, a death announcement is a good way to announce someone’s passing as well as to announce donations are being taken in that person’s name for a favorite charity.

It is also good for small businesses to send to their clients if their main proprietor has passed away and the business will also fold.

We at CardsDirect very seldom get requests for death announcement cards, but when we do, we recommend a photo card featuring a portrait of the deceased on the front. On the inside, we recommend listing the date the funeral happened as well as where donations can be sent and the remaining survivors.

Dear Ms Cards Etiquette,
My wife’s ex-husband recently died of cancer. Is it appropriate for me to send a sympathy card to her adult step-children and their mother? What do I say on the sympathy card? We are all on good terms, though we are not close.
Charles T.

Many people wonder if it is OK to send cards to the “ex’s” family members, for the holidays, funerals or birthdays. The answer depends if you are all on friendly terms. “Friendly terms” means that you do not have to be close, but you are able to be in the same room and at least make small talk.

If all of you are on friendly terms, as you are, Charles, then it is absolutely appropriate to send cards of any type: birthday, sympathy or thinking of you.

If you are not close, however, then keeping the card short and to the point is best. Simply a line or two expressing your condolences along with your signature is fine. (More than that is awkward since you won’t know enough about the other person to know what to say anyway.)

Some appropriate things to say:

• I’m very sorry to hear of your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers in this difficult time.
• Please accept my condolences for the death of [his name]. My thoughts are with you.
• I am so sorry. May God be with you. (This is appropriate if you know the other person is religious.)

Remember, Charles, you don’t need to say a lot. Sometimes the fact that you are sending anything at all will speak volumes.

Dear Ms. Cards Etiquette,
If the father of a married friend has passed away is the card addressed to her, Mrs. Amy Brown, or to Mr. and Mrs. George Brown?
Marilyn G.

Marilyn, either way of addressing the envelope is appropriate, but the “Mr. and Mrs. George Brown” is more common. Unless it is common knowledge that Mr. Brown did not get along with his father-in-law, assume he is in mourning as well.

Many people also wonder if it is OK to send condolence cards to those who are not related to the deceased, and the answer is yes. A condolence card is always appreciated by anyone — blood relative or not — who is close to the deceased.

Some tips for what to say in a sympathy card.

• Always try to give your card as soon as you hear about the death. Even if you only hear of the funeral a year later, a sympathy card is always appreciated.
• Understand you don’t need to write a novel. A line or two is fine. People in mourning may not have the mental capacity to read a long card anyway, so keeping things simple works for everyone.
• Keep in mind, that, while you knew the deceased, his or her relatives may not know you. Try to include a line or two about how you know the person who died.
  

  “Mr. Smith was a client of my accounting practice”
  or
  “Dave was someone I played cards with at the senior center”
  or
  “I sang with Olga in the church choir”.

• If you were a personal friend of the deceased, try to include a happy memory you had together.
  

  “David Smith was a good friend of mine with whom I played golf. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he finally hit his hole in one. I’m very sorry for your loss, he will be dearly missed.”

• Never say something along the lines of “I know how you feel.” Everyone feels differently. Saying “Maybe it was their time to go” or “they had a long life” is also a no-no.

Anyway, Marilyn, I hope this helps. Here is our selection of sympathy cards.

Dear Ms. Cards Etiquette,
Is it okay to send a condolence card to a business associate at their place of employment?
Business Friend

Sympathy cards are always appreciated no matter where you send them. It is more proper to send the card to your friend’s home, but if you only know them through business, then it is OK to send to their business address.

This is one of those times when you’ll need to know how to properly send the envelope so the card will arrive at your friend’s desk. You’ll need to send the card to your friend’s name “Care of” the business where he or she works. (Please see this post for more information on how to do that.)

Since this is a condolence card to a business friend, you’ll want to keep the card simple with only a line or two and your name, unless, however you know this person very well and know of the circumstances regarding the death in his family.

I’m thinking, however, since you do not know your business associate’s address, you probably do not know a whole lot about the death that occurred, so it is most proper to be formal.

“I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your friend/ mother/ father/ whomever” followed by your signature.