Dear Ms. Cards Etiquette

My boss is throwing an engagement party this month. I’m already strapped from the holidays! Do I need to bring a gift? I’ve never been to an engagement party before.

Not Trying to Be Cheap in Long Island

Oh dear, Trying. If it were just a friend inviting you, then a small gift would be totally appropriate, but these things are always so much more touchy when work is involved.

Of course you are not obligated to buy your boss a gift, ever. It is pretty well universally understood that an employee (unless you’re very well paid) has a lot less money than their superiors. However, I well understand that you still feel like you should bring something.

There is a nice way out of the gift-giving obligation you feel.

Bring a bottle of wine or champagne, or some flowers for the table (if it is in the boss’s home). That way you don’t look like a cheapskate for bringing nothing, but since you’ve brought something everyone can enjoy, you also don’t have to worry about looking like you’re trying to “buy off” the boss’s favor with a personal gift. A congratulations card with any small gift you give is important just so your boss knows what it is you brought.

However, you really don’t need to bring anything. A congratulations card alone is perfectly acceptable.

Dear Ms. Cards Etiquette,
For a family card which is proper, i.e. if your name is “Brown”…Do you say “from the Brown’s” or “from the Browns?” Thank you.

-Unsigned

I guess I’ll just call you “Brown” then? :-)  OK, Brown, according to the Purdue University Online Writing Lab, the apostrophe has three uses:

1. To form possessives of nouns
2. To show the omission of letters
3. To indicate certain plurals of lowercase letters.

OK..But what does that really mean in your situation?

Proper grammar for signing a card would be:

From The Browns.

The only time you’d use an apostrophe for the whole family would be if your last name was “Brown” and you were showing ownership:

The Brown’s House.

Now, let’s make things a little more confusing. Let’s say your last name is “Browns” — with an ’s’ at the end.

To sign the card, you would still say

“From the Browns”.

If, however, you wanted to show something owned by one of the Browns, you would add an apostrophe s to the end just like if it were a singular word (because it is one individual):

Mr. Browns’s hat.

If, however, you want show something the entire family owns– many people owning it — then you add the apostrophe to the end of the word after the ’s’. So, for example, when sending out party invitations, you would say

“at the Browns’ House.”

Clear as mud?

I was recently married and now I am writing my Thank you cards, I am finding out several guests did not give a gift of any kind, am I obligated to send them a Thank you any way (just for coming to my wedding)? I did have a couple of people come up to me at my wedding and told me they forgot our gift and would get it to me later, well later has come and gone and I never did receive anything. I think these people did forget, should I remind them? And again do I send them a Thank you, because if they did forget and don’t get a Thank you they will think that I have no manners and was just looking for the gift?

-anonymous

The short answer is yes, you should send thank you cards to everyone who attended your wedding.

Some of your guests may have been rather strapped for cash at the time of your wedding. Some of the “we’ll send the present along later” folks may have genuinely forgot, and some of them may have been having financial hardships and been embarrassed to share details. You just don’t know, and you certainly don’t want to remind them they did not get you a gift if they can’t afford it. (And there is a lot of people with financial hardships these days…no matter what their outside appearances may be.)

The primary purpose of having a wedding is to celebrate a joyous event in the new couple’s life, and to gather together all the friends and loved ones to celebrate. People these days have busy lives, and it takes a lot for people to get together. Guests at a wedding are not required to give a gift. Sure it’s a nice thing to do, but it is not a mandatory thing. Their presence is their best present to the couple.

The primary purpose of wedding thank you cards is to thank everyone for making time to celebrate the couple’s nuptials. If they happened to give the couple a gift in addition to that, then the thank you should also include a note regarding the gift as well. CardsDirect thank you cards can be personalized to save you quite a bit of handwriting and provide a nice variety to match any new couple’s tastes. Best wishes to the bride and groom!

Dear Ms. Cards Etiquette,

My friend from college has a very serious illness. I’d like to send her a get well card, but it seems inappropriate since she may not actually recover from this debilitating disease. I live in Alaska and she lives in Kansas, so visiting her is difficult, and frankly may not happen before the end of her life. While we are not as close as were in college, we still talk a couple times a year. I’d like to send something, but I’m not sure what to send or what to say on the note when I do send it. Please HELP!

Befuddled in Barrow, Alaska

For temporary illnesses and injuries, there’s the ubiquitous Get Well card. For deaths in the family, there’s the Sympathy card. For everything else, including your friend’s unfortunate situation, Befuddled, there’s the Thinking of You card. It’s a flawless stopgap option for any situation where you simply don’t know what to say … serious or terminal illnesses, divorce, anything in the “I’m so sorry, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it” category, really.

But sometimes, even the most well-meaning greeting cards really do fall short of the situation at hand. In your case, Befuddled, I’d make an effort to visit your friend as soon as possible, or at the very least, give her a call on the phone. Kansas is indeed a long way from Alaska, but you may be able to find a discount last-minute fare if you look online and/or call the airlines. In a small community like Barrow, you may even find a private pilot who’d be willing to fly you to the nearest major airport at a discount or for free … it’s certainly worth asking around!

As for what to say on your card, I’m lacking my usual “3 step plan” for this one. Say how sorry you are to hear the news, mention that you are trying to arrange a visit and ask if/when she’s most able to have a guest (because you are trying to arrange a visit, aren’t you?), and let her know if she ever needs someone to talk to, you’ll be happy to hear from her. You might wish to enclose a picture of the two of you in happier times. I don’t know that there’s much else you can do, Befuddled. Best of luck to both you and your friend!

In the most recent issue of In Touch Weekly dated Oct 8, 2007, it is reported that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise still have not sent out Thank You cards for their wedding that happened last year on November 18.

Apparently, even the stars find writing Thank You cards a chore. Ms Cards Etiquette does find it amusing, however, that all the gossip magazines are blaming poor Katie for this faux pas, when in fact, both parties in a wedding should be responsible. This is the 21’st century after all, not 1955.

Lucky for the Cruises that it is never too late to write a thank you card. And, since they are reported to have had more than 150 guests at their lavish Scientology ceremony, they are also lucky that you don’t have to write more than a few lines on a Thank You card to get the point across. Since they have waited so long, they may wish to write an extra line or two explaining why their thank yous are tardy. If, however, they are too busy for that, just a simple “Thank you for the wonderful gift, we get a lot of use out of it.” is still appropriate.

I’ve written a few tutorials on Thank You cards that can be found here just in case Tom or Katie need some assistance on writing their Thank you notes:

Salvation for Late Thank You Cards

3 Steps to Perfect Thank You Notes

Thank You Notes from CardsDirect